BISCUTBALL PREVIEW #6: THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS

(The following is an excerpt from BISCUTBALL, INC.’s (The branding and corporate arm of Biscutball, presentation package to Ball-Mer, LLC, the holding company that officially owns the Los Angeles Clippers.)

IT’S A NEW DAY FOR THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS! Donald Sterling, their racist coot owner, has been THROWN OUT ON HIS ASS by the NBA and public opinion, with only a GIANT PILEFULL OF MONEY to comfort him.

The team is good, maybe even CONTENDER good. The other LA Team, their primary competition for dollars and eyeballs, is bad maybe HILARIOUS DISASTER bad. The new owner has DEEP POCKETS and seems COMPARATIVELY STABLE.

IT’S TIME TO EMBRACE THE NEW ERA OF CHANGE IN THE CLIPPER ORGANIZATION

It’s time to change the name. Forget the past. The Clippers, the laughingstock of the NBA, the team of Injured Bill Walton, thirty years of Sterling Malfeasance and .383 all time winning percentage is DEAD.

Now, Boats are great. I live boats. My family loves boats. Many good things have happened on boats. But the SS LA Clipper boat is beaten and broken. The sail is torn. The hull has “Fuck sux” (I don’t get it?) spray painted on the side. It’s time to sink her to the bottom of brand ocean. where brandacles can grow on her decks.

I DON’T DESTROY WITHOUT BUILDING. I have a DEFINITIVE NEW SOLUTION TO THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS BRANDING CRISIS

I will give you a second to gather your friends and family around the computer for the reveal, which will get you talking.

READY!?

THE LOS ANGELES TRUCKS

HERE ARE SOME FACTS ABOUT TRUCKS:

-They are big, like basketball players.

-The are stronger than cars, like basketball players and regular people.

-They’re boxy and useful, like Microsoft products, unlike Boats/Macs, which are sleek and useless.

-You can use them to carry most things, sort of like how a sports team carries the arbitrary hopes and expectations of the random people who like them.

-Children and grown men love trucks AND basketball!

BUT WHAT WOULD THE NO LOGO LO...

Let me stop you there, good reader. I am not Leonardo Da Vinci, but I made a modest mockup with a baseball pencil I sharpened myself using the Rees Method and some beautiful pastel crayons:

It would be a little “Cleaner” and “Computerized” after a professional got his hands on it, but I believe it would retain the same charm.

TRUCKS? THERE AREN’T ANY COOL CREATIVE THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH TRUCKS THAT WILL ENGAGE THE FANS!

WRONG!

ONE: EVERY MEMBER OF THE TRUCKS WILL BE GIVEN A TRUCK-BASED NICKNAME:

BLAKE GRIFFIN: “Mack Dunk”

CHRIS PAUL: “Dirt Track Racer”

DEANDRE JORDAN: “Steel Girder Crane”

JAMAL CRAWFORD: “Stunt Truck”

SPENCER HAWES: “Truck with Weird Bumper Stickers”

MATT BARNES: “Tricked out Truck with Cool Dragons on the Side”

JJ REDDICK “Mike Truckewski”

JORDAN FARMAR: “Jordan Farmer’s Truck”

GLEN DAVIS: “Cattle Truck”

HEDO: “The Truckish Legend”

CHRIS DOUGLAS-ROBERTS: “Chris Trucklas-Truckberts”

EPKE UDOH: “The Bookmobile”

TWO: TRUCK HORNS AFTER EVERY DUNK

Eventually, you won’t even need the sound effect, the whole crowd, now decked out in blue and red trucker costumes YOU SELL AT THE STADIUM FOR REAL $$$ PROFITS, will do it on their own, hand gesture and all! THIS IS HOW YOU BUILD BELOVED TRADITIONS!

THREE: BELOVED GRATEFUL DEAD SONG "Truckin"

Intro? Truckin’. Halftime? Local school band plays Truckin’. Buzzer beater? Truckin. Need to kill about 20 minutes while someone fixes a problem with the floor? Live version of Truckin’. Lifting the trophy after you win the title? Truckin’.

I hope, no, I KNOW, reading this has convinced you, the management over at Ball-mer Sports, LLC, that the "TRUCKS" will be "TRUCKIN''" into the future with these UNIMPEACHABLE Branding solutions!